I just walked, I don't know, two or three blocks and back for 'Husker Hoagies'. Got some Diet Pepsi with ice. I almost cried, no joke, the tears were there. IT'S THAT FUCKING COLD OH MY GOD 22 feels like 8 my ASS my hands are still recovering.

I made some video at 1 some night when I was sick so it felt like 4 and just remembered it. It's pretty funny.

Also funny how the Hispanics here are so excited about Hispanic stuff. Even the ones that barely speak Spanish. I guess I'm included in that now.
It's also what's comforting. My friend said she finally discovered that the smell she associated with her dad when she was little is pot. My dad's is cigarettes.

I understand bromance after seeing Mitch's room covered with Coldplay, Iron & Wine, Bob Dylan, The Kooks, etc, posters.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're the only person whose name has never felt like a stone in my stomach.

I think I'm going to hide out on Valentine's Day. Maybe I'll get Alvan, Alek, and Alexa to chill.

I feel immensely guilty talking to my parents.

There was a debate on pornography tonight. I didn't go 'cause it was scheduled to be two hours, but I am jealous of everyone's Facebook statuses/pictures. I mean, Ron Jeremy. A literal beast.

Our new male RA Damien "interviewed" me as part of a paper he has to write. He's adorable. Guitar on the bed, dozens of photos of friends, Ninja Turtle shirt.

I am going to be starting hormones. I talked with Ryan last Friday. It's simpler than I thought, which is why it's suddenly an option. I was unsure, asked a couple of people, but I made up my mind. Just because there's never going to be a good time, and if I wait, it'll bring me down too.

But, fuck. Divorce, Jorge possibly moving out, my stuff still in the house.
It'd be so awesome, though.

I didn't tell the counselor, though, because I do want to think about it a bit more. To be sure. I don't even know if anyone reads this or who does, but opinions would be appreciated.

I love the view from my window.


Even though the latter is when the snow was melting and being ucky.
MEMORIAL STADIUM. I'm gonna miss looking at that the most.

I dunno if I've put this one.

Hail Mary to the city, you're a virgin
And Jesus can't save you, life starts when the church end

Someone that doesn't take offense at the smallest thing
Funny, right? Haha. I've changed. A lot.

Me and Kaitlyn are comfortable. I'm so, so confused. Fucking Ashley. What the hell. Why does it seem like I was right about almost everyone else that isn't as close? Just not when it really counted? Maybe it's all in my head. We'll see.

Anyway. The quote from the unbearably catchy Jay-Z (& Alicia Keys?) song was something I would put on my Facebook without hesitation. Now I don't want to offend Rachel or Lexi. This also amuses me. I met the first Republican I liked. He's gay and on the leadership team for QSA. Haha.

I ran into Emily at Selleck and completely forgot I was supposed to eat quickly so I could talk with my awesome RD. She hasn't emailed me back. I feel terrible. Not as bad anymore, but it was bad.

I want my drumset here NOW.

I wish I could say, "Dump him."
Pretty sure the only reason I'm not is that if she did and we got together, I'd feel really bad when it ended.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is buddies and other times I feel that people suck. Right now is the latter.

"Depending on the magnitude of your obesity, insurance could cover it. Therefore, people who bring this condition upon themselves have a relatively easy outlet. Another choice is diet pills...

The bad thing about obesity being considered a disease is that it makes it acceptable for a doctor to resort to such treatments. In turn, the health problems caused by the obesity still remain. People are given easy roads to recovery rather than advised to make sensible choices in diet and exercise. Drug companies make millions off of the obesity boom, as do insurance companies - and why not? It's a disease! You have to take this stuff; you have to get this surgery.

Basically, calling obesity a disease is like your doctor telling you: "Don't exercise, eat whatever you want. When you become obese 20 years later, I'll give you these pills or this surgery and you'll be fine!" It may seem a little sensationalized, but in essence that's all you're getting. In lieu of choosing a less sedentary lifestyle, people will continue to perpetuate the same unhealthy choices that put them in such an obese state to begin with...I look at obesity as a leading cause of PREVENTABLE death; more specifically poor diet choices."

I have to stare at your fat ass waddling around and you get cheap surgery?

I have to live in the wrong side of the floor, use the wrong bathroom, constantly correct people, put up with questions about my genitals, and get fucking stared at all day, and I'm looking at tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of dollars out of my own pocket to fix my "condition"-which, I don't care if you don't agree that sexual reassignment surgery or even hormones should be covered, it's still classified as a mental disorder
And should be treated as such, literally, by those fuckers that made me wait over a month to get this prescription refill.

Fuck this.

I like being around her and we have fun and she makes me feel wanted
Quite handy that she has a boyfriend and I don't have to worry about anything more
Rather, worry about her worrying about anything more

After quite an eventful 24 hours I went over to Ashley's and laid my head down and told her everything I'd been almost too scared to think
There was a House episode on where he's trying to find his mojo
WHAT ABOUT MY MFING MOJO
Why is something so elementary so hard to do

MtFs baffle me.
Yet I'm pretty sure they have it easier.

I try not to be a bastard, but I get bothered by people who complain about something when
It's something that ends up being much harder for me being trans

Oh man and
Music, laughter, voices through thin walls ain't nothing, but I don't want to hear you going at it.
Mostly because I know who's in what room, but also because it just leads me to criticize your technique

Ok

Real quick

I'm tired and just need to figure out where I'm going tomorrow and then sleep
but why do I love Nebraska?

We get to Abel/Sandoz. I use the gender neutral restroom and feel no qualms and have no tunnel vision
I go help the group take up shitload of groceries. I see Ed outside and he hugs me. While returning to Abel, the group minus 2 comes out of the elevator and Ed hugs me again
At some point, I see Saara and Samantha who smile and tell me they're going to the MJS dinner
I meet Kelsey's parents in the 9th floor elevator lobby. They herd me down to Kelsey and Marty's room and I get a kiss from the mom
I talk to the girls for ten minutes, get invited to go smoke, decline, shower
Return to Ashley's. Eat Santas, exchange baby stories, pick a picture out of three she offered (turns out to be her fav too), she shows me presents she got, I tell her about friends I was scared to mention before, I get a book to read-
All while listening to straight through 'Give Up',

When Mike comes, a bit awkward time on the couch until we start playing Left For Dead 2
Cue talk about roommates who cheat and douchebags who might deserve it,
(Meg comes in and gives Mike a People magazine and something else, picks out Ashley's outfit, and when I mock her launches into her rant about how I didn't hug her or say hi)
About Progressive Student Coalition and SAGE and what the health care bill means for the lgbtq community and why too many of our RSOs have trouble mixing socializing and activism
About the conference Mike is going to in Minnesota and why I don't feel comfortable taking too much of a role in anything right now (I don't think a token transsexual is what anyone needs atm) and about when Ashley came out (the process and how it changes for each person)

Plus, I smell awesome and not at all like old-closet or neutral-baby-powder-deodorant and my pants aren't fucking skintight and I can drum on my chest again and I'm going to a stoplight party

And when we left Ashley's all three of us lit up while listening The Mountain Goats and that was our only smoke and

Fuck

I spent the last few nights in Lewisville. Between the babies and two cousins I was busy enough. When I got Mikey's DSLite for sure I dragged the cousins and Danny to GameStop and got Pokemon Pearl and some random Star Wars game. I really wanted something more like Mario Kart or this Emblem thing that Jesse said was good, but I'm cheap. $50 was a lot to spend already.

I bought the games around 5pm, and when I went to sleep last night at 6am, I'd spent 9 hours playing.

I can't wait to get back to Nebraska. I seriously feel that life is on pause. I'll regret not doing more this break. Whatevs, enough has happened.

I feel like...I haven't played FFX in a really long time, but there were some attacks that would cause a black mist to cover most of a character's head. Darkness? You had to lift it. I seriously feel like that had been around my whole life, everywhere, and now it's gone and I hadn't known it was there 'til it was gone.
It's basically what I used to describe but way...stronger or better.
I didn't know how much being trans had fucked with so much of me.

I kinda want to see what we could be, platonically, but stuff got literally as fucking bad as possible and I'm all but certain that it's too late now.
That's not gonna happen with Ashley.

The Planned Parenthood that serves the Midwest, "Heartland", is beginning services for the trans community this coming semester.

I hate that when everything is the best it's ever been, I feel across the world from Plano kids. It's not even that we'd drift apart, but I was determined not to let it happen. Fuck that. In Nebraska I balance pretty well, me starting communication versus the other person. With everyone here, I feel like I try and try and try and fucking try hundreds of more times for every one time they do. No more.

You're one of the most steady things in my life. I'll find some way to say thanks for that.

I might not be going to California with the band? The director emailed me saying I had quite a few absences. I thought I kept it under wraps. I'm annoyed they keep track of that for us at all. Why not count the HOURS, probably freaking days (no Villarreal worthy exaggeration there, I swear), that pit took from me? When we were supposed to be playing and they sat around and chatted.

I'm looking forward to next semester. I've got to shift my game from, how many points can I squeeze out of teachers, to, how can I make teachers hunt for ways to dock me points. I don't want to leave Nikki with that idea of me, I don't care if she says she doesn't judge.

Thanks, Plano, for helping me end up in the same old place again. I'd missed it.
...

I have one episode left in Season 4 of Dexter. I almost don't want to watch it. Because then the story really is final, and I'll have no other easy way of procrastination. Maybe I'll start watching the L Word. As uncomfortable as lesbians can make me. I got quite angry when I saw Kaitlyn's squeeze of a few months ago. Unreasonable, I know, but it's girls like that that give guys like me such a hard time. Easier than blaming the entirety of American society, too, hah.

iwillnotindulgeincomfortfoodiwillnotindulgeincomfortfoodiwillnotindulgeincomfortfoodiwillnotindulgeincomfortfood